Your October HORRORSCOPES
Aries (March 21-April 19)
October will be a social month for Aries. Look forward to making lots of new friends, many of whom already live within the walls of your own house.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Careful, Taurus! The call is coming from inside Venus’ Twelfth House, so make sure to change all the locks and keep your kitchen knives sharpened. An inauspicious month to take on any new babysitting clients.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The movement of the planets into the houses of family this October makes this an ideal time to revisit your birth records, old family albums, or call your creepy Aunt Agnes to catch up and reflect on the past. Probably the circumstances of your birth and childhood were all normal and regular and average, and you almost certainly don’t have an evil twin.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is nothing spooky about crabs. Enjoy a relaxing month!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
This month is the perfect time for bonding with a loved one you’ve been neglecting. Take your totally normal son out for a pleasant outing to church or the zoo, so he can meet God and all His creations and be warmly welcomed by them, like the regular human boy he definitely is.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
If you’ve been thinking about taking it to the next level in a relationship, there could not be a better time to postpone it! Speaking of postponing, maybe wait on the road trip to the cabin/lake house/remote B&B that you and your promiscuous friends have been planning. In the meantime, focus your energies on knitting, homework, rescuing animals, and anything else that establishes you to the audience as a model citizen.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
A transformative month. You may be struggling to keep two sides of yourself in balance, whether it’s work and family, patience and ambition, good and evil, or human and wolfbeast. It’s a good time for self-reflection, a bad time to experiment with taking a new medication. Maybe try a fun new hairstyle.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You will be covered in scorpions, ugh, so gross. Take your vitamins, and avoid making any major financial decisions.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
A past mistake will come back to haunt you. Beware of anyone you may have stabbed in the back, literally or metaphorically, because the wheel is about to turn. Plan a vacation around the 14th.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It’s been a tough year for you, Capricorn, but don’t worry—October will provide plenty of opportunities for you to turn your luck around, provided you are willing to take initiative and make the necessary sacrifices. *wink* Talk to that eccentric, old couple who live down the hall from you in your pre-war apartment building about how! No need to keep your spouse informed. Hail Satan.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Who knows what lurks in the depths of…your imagination! That’s right, Aquarius, October is a month for you to spread your creative wings. The 25th is a spiritually advantageous day for experimentation, whether with a bold new look, a redesigned kitchen, or a scientific discovery that has the potential to challenge THE FORCES OF NATURE ITSELF, LAUGHING MANIACALLY IN THE FACE OF GOD. You’ll have to iron out a miscommunication with a loved one around the 12th. Be the bigger person, and take full responsibility.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You’ll be full of energy this month, so do something that challenges you, like exploring an Antarctic ice mountain or a black lagoon or a mysterious cave or your city’s very own sewer system, or really anywhere you might find
monsters or other horrifying mutants adventure! Take a flashlight!
Farewell My Lovely
Rousseau said Robinson Crusoe was “the one book that teaches all that books can teach,” and as such should be applied directly to (male) children’s brains in order to develop strong character. We have a difference of opinion.
Philip Marlowe will teach you:
- how to keep your humanity even when it’s costly
- how to smack someone in the face with their own gun, and when
- what kind of liquor to keep in your desk drawer
- how to survive with a soft heart
- how to be lonely
- how to be funny even when you’re beaten to a pulp and shot full of drugs
- how to mock brainless macho pricks even when they’re beating you to a pulp and shooting you full of drugs
- which part of a California house you can’t put your foot through
- how to love a rotting city
- that worms are of both sexes and that any worm can love any other worm
- how to lose a tail
- how to make a gimlet
A List of Punny Titles for Non-Existent Fashion Editorials That I Wrote Between Songs at Metal Karaoke Last Week
- Going Against the Grosgrain
- Bespoken For
- A Seersucker’s Born Every Minute
- Hooked on Chiffonics
- Get Behind Me, Satin
Things I have done since moving to New York that made me feel still very much an Angeleno
- opted for taking three trains over taking one bus
- thought a cashier at Trader Joe’s could have been friendlier
Movies I Have Not Seen Which Are Nonetheless My Favorite Movies Based On Their Titles Alone
- The Cowboy And The Lady
- I’m Through With White Girls
- Duck, You Sucker
Netflix Categories I Would Appreciate
- Movies Made In The 1970s That Make You Feel Like An Adult for Watching Them
- Movies That Are Almost Certainly Satire, But It’s Like Nobody Told the Actors?
- Movies With Misleadingly Great Titles
- Movies From The 1940s That You Expect To Be Really Boring But Are Actually Super Good, And You Should Really Give Them A Shot
- Campy Horror Movies That Lend Themselves To Feminist Readings
- Movies You Will Intend To Watch, Right Up To The Point Where They Are Removed From Watch Instantly
- Indie Movies About The “Complexity” Of “Relationships” That All Appear To Have Approximately The Same Title
- Really Heavy-Handed SciFi Movies Beloved By Men In Their 20s
- Movies You Would Totally Watch If You Knew How To Remove Them From Your “Recently Watched” Page
- Movies That, Despite Their All-Star Casts, You Haven’t Heard Of For A Reason
- Movies With At Least One Reaction Shot From A Dog
Things I’m pretty much always ready to talk about
- why salt bagels are the best bagel
- how frustrating it is that expensive mascara really is better
- how cool it is that Philip Marlowe and I have the same china pattern
- my desire for a true and worthy nemesis
- Elaine Stritch
- what I should have for breakfast
- my dream to record an album of jazz standards with Iggy Pop
- how nice David Lynch seems
- hot dogs
- Gossip Girl
- the merits of a truly boring men’s watch
- the novels of Ira Levin
- why “gurl,” “dude,” and “bro” shouldn’t be gender-specific
- the space program
- my favorite and least favorite freeways in Los Angeles
Festive Christmas Suggestions
- Nothing says cozy like cashmere! Fashion a hammock out of your luxurious scarves and sweaters and enjoy curling up in it and sinking slowly toward the floor!
- Microwave glasses of whiskey and stir them with a peppermint stick. Make yourself (and your closest friends!) drink all of it.
- Create a wreath out of used tissues from your winter cold. Spray paint it gold.
- Put on satin evening gloves and rub a kitten.
- Make a winter wonderland out of powdered dish soap. Deny everything.
- Rekindle the magic of childhood by figuring out how many holly berries fit in your nose.
- For a fun alternative to the usual Christmas stockings, hang up your control top pantyhose instead!
- If you have ear gauges, why not use this holiday season as an excuse to make a festive statement by putting cinnamon sticks in them?
- Have a seance to bring Frank Sinatra back from the dead. Coerce him into singing the entirety of his Christmas album/gossipping about his failed marriage to Mia Farrow.
- Fancy scented candles out of your price range? Set a Christmas tree on fire.
- Make an entrance at your holiday parties by arriving astride an actual reindeer. Struggle to get down. Decide it’s not worth it. Pretend you’re staying on the reindeer all night on purpose.
- Cut the toes off dolls and hot glue them to sprigs of mistletoe! Your guests will love playing footsy under these cheeky MistleToes!
- Enjoy a contest of wills with your friends! Bury yourselves neck deep in snow and see who can stand it the longest!
- Scotch tape everyone’s noses up so that they all look like Whos.
- Sit up all night beside the fireplace on Christmas Eve with shotgun, and lie in wait for Santa.
Famous Plays, CONCEPTUALLY REBOOTED!
Here are some plays that are good, but they’ve been around for a while, so I’ve taken it upon myself to reboot them to keep them fresh, and maybe they’ll catch on.
Waiting for Godot
Dana and Tim are two best friends who probably used to date. They are fresh out of college twenty something selfish jerks who land jobs waiting tables at West Virginia’s most exclusive new restaurant, Godot’s. Tim lands in hot water with the local mob boss, Pozzo, when he can’t find the money to cover some outstanding gambling debts, so Dana comes up with a plan: Tim will invite Pozzo to a free meal at Godot’s, and Dana will poison his meal. Matters get complicated when Pozzo’s lieutenants, after figuring out that Dana was responsible for Pozzo’s death, approach Dana to be their new boss.
A Streetcar Named Desire
Mickey Donovan (“Mickey the Don” to his friends) has the fastest hot rod in New Light City. He’s the coolest kid in school, he’s got the super-hot Tawny Rome going steady with him, and he’s never lost a race. When Alice MacAllister moves into town, Mickey can’t stand her. She’s tough, rides around in her own souped up Cadillac, and unlike Mickey, she has an actual criminal record. The two butt heads all year, and inevitably Mickey realizes that he’s fallen for Alice. As he heads over to Alice’s apartment to tell her how he feels, he sees Alice and Tawny making out on the fire escape. Filled with rage and regret, Mickey goes for a drive to clear his head. He finally understands that all his macho posturing was the only way he knew how to deal with the cruelties of a life filled with hollow relationships, and he makes a vow to be true to himself. Later at a stop-light, Alice pulls her cadillac up next to Mickey’s hot rod. Mickey turns to see her pulling out a gun aimed at his face. A gunshot rings through the streets as the lights quickly cut out.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Set at the funeral for two friends of a really famous celebrity, it’s basically like an episode of Entourage, but at a funeral for the fat friend and the older Dillon brother. The two main dudes talk about how much they’ll miss their two friends, but in the process they realize that they didn’t know their friends at all. The realization that you can spend so much time with some people and never really know them at all drives the two main dudes straight into an existential crisis wherein they understand that the only moment anyone can ever know anyone is in the now. They cast off their expensive designer suits and they run off into the Hollywood hills where they kiss passionately as the lights fade around them.