Highlights from the Imaginary Christmas Special, A Very Robert Evans Christmas*
- "Was it cold outside? Baby, it was cold everywhere."
- "So I told him, ‘I’ve got no gift to bring, but what I do have is gonna send you through the roof.’"
- "I can tell you one thing—it sure wasn’t a silent night at Chateau Evans."
- "We were all having a White Christmas the winter of ‘74 and did we ever pay for it."
- "When Coppola wanted a figgy pudding, you brought it right there."
- "Chestnuts were roasting on an open fire, and we were roasting MGM at the box office."
- "Not a creature was stirring, except for Nicholson, that old troublemaker."
- "Frosty was an old pal of mine. The hat was my idea. I said ‘Kid, you gotta give ‘em something to remember you by.’"
- "Bob Towne was one of the greats. Visions of sugarplums danced in all of our heads — but he could see the movie in it."
- "You could call us kings, but wise men we weren’t."
- "All the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, but I could tell right away that that kid had something.”
- "You gotta understand, we were all kissing Santa Claus back then.”
- "In the meadow Ali and I built a snowman and pretended it was Daryl Zanuck. He said, ‘Are you married?’ I turned to Ali and said ‘Baby, that’s not a half-bad idea.’"
- "Virginia, not only is there a Santa Claus, but baby, you’re looking at him."
- "What do I want for Christmas? Baby, let me tell you. I’ve made some of the biggest box office hits of all time—I’m talking huge. I’ve seen it all and done even more. But all I want for Christmas is you."
*A Tessa Strain and Geoffrey Lapid Production
"Christmas With The Devil", Spinal Tap
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Hail Satan!
Festive Christmas Suggestions
- Nothing says cozy like cashmere! Fashion a hammock out of your luxurious scarves and sweaters and enjoy curling up in it and sinking slowly toward the floor!
- Microwave glasses of whiskey and stir them with a peppermint stick. Make yourself (and your closest friends!) drink all of it.
- Create a wreath out of used tissues from your winter cold. Spray paint it gold.
- Put on satin evening gloves and rub a kitten.
- Make a winter wonderland out of powdered dish soap. Deny everything.
- Rekindle the magic of childhood by figuring out how many holly berries fit in your nose.
- For a fun alternative to the usual Christmas stockings, hang up your control top pantyhose instead!
- If you have ear gauges, why not use this holiday season as an excuse to make a festive statement by putting cinnamon sticks in them?
- Have a seance to bring Frank Sinatra back from the dead. Coerce him into singing the entirety of his Christmas album/gossipping about his failed marriage to Mia Farrow.
- Fancy scented candles out of your price range? Set a Christmas tree on fire.
- Make an entrance at your holiday parties by arriving astride an actual reindeer. Struggle to get down. Decide it’s not worth it. Pretend you’re staying on the reindeer all night on purpose.
- Cut the toes off dolls and hot glue them to sprigs of mistletoe! Your guests will love playing footsy under these cheeky MistleToes!
- Enjoy a contest of wills with your friends! Bury yourselves neck deep in snow and see who can stand it the longest!
- Scotch tape everyone’s noses up so that they all look like Whos.
- Sit up all night beside the fireplace on Christmas Eve with shotgun, and lie in wait for Santa.