June 2011
51 posts
scraps33 asked: Not a query, but wanted to say I love the name of your blog. Haven't check it out yet, Molly Lambert retweeted you and that is how I got here.
Jun 1st
1 note
3 tags
Jun 1st
18 notes
May 2011
42 posts
hypocritelecteuse asked: "Be all, 'Hey.'"

I'm dead now. Because you killed me. GREAT JOB, STRAIN.

(No, really, great job)
May 31st
3 notes
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Good seduction techniques
Take your sunglasses off—reeeeal slowly. Learn the national anthem of the country the object of your affections most wants to visit and hum it at them loudly whenever the time just seems right. Do the robot with—wait for it—actual robot sound effects. Make the object of your affections a Best of Tiny Tim mix CD. Paint each of your nails a different color and put googly eyes...
May 31st
32 notes
3 tags
The things that keep me up at night
Angela: I love how you talk about dying in space like there's a legitimate possibility that it's going to happen to you.
Me: Duh, 'cause there IS.
May 29th
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Jokes About Freudian Hysterics
Christina: Her uterus has more stamps on its passport than she does.
Me: Her uterus is like that obnoxious person who studied abroad and starts every sentence with "Well, when I was in [foreign country]..."
Christina: Her uterus is penning a guide called "The Well-Traveled Uterus" for Random House.
Me: Her uterus read On the Road in college and it. Was. Life-changing.
Christina: Her uterus thinks you can't know what real beauty is until you've stood at the foot of Machu Picchu.
Me: Her uterus makes Woody Guthrie look like a homebody.
Christina: Her uterus pays for everything with frequent flier miles, hasn't used cash since 1996.
Me: Her uterus has never been called for jury duty since it doesn't have a permanent address.
Christina: Her uterus has a stack of speeding tickets and calls it the price of doing business.
Me: Her uterus prefers trains to planes because "It's all about the journey, man."
May 26th
21 notes
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May 26th
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May 26th
8 notes
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May 26th
3 notes
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May 25th
913 notes
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May 24th
4 notes
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May 24th
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May 24th
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May 24th
7 notes
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I get defensive about some things
Geoff [sniffling]: Allergies are the worst.
Me: If it makes you feel any better, according to Twitter, Solange is also being aggravated by allergies this season.
Geoff: I thought you unfollowed Solange.
Me: OH MY GOD, NO, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
May 22nd
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May 22nd
33 notes
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“I don’t think the knee-jerk reaction when someone says “I like geeky...”
– Blair Butler, from this roundtable discussion on Comics Alliance about women in the comics community (read it, it’s way good). I know asking nerds to be less insular and judgmental is like asking politicians to be ethical and transparent, but a girl can dream. (And if anyone comes at me with...
May 21st
11 notes
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I hope that May 21st is Judgment Day, but that the...
Let no one be spared from embarrassment.
May 20th
6 notes
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May 20th
28 notes
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Things I thought about a lot in high school
how little I cared about dances how to convince boys to ask me to the dances I didn’t care about how, stratagems aside, they probably weren’t going to and anyway I didn’t have anything to wear not that I cared about what to wear anyway since I didn’t care about going to the dance in the first place because, I mean, that’s totally stupid or whatever I’m...
May 20th
8 notes
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“This is why you are up there with Martha Stewart, Dolly Parton, and Jefferson...”
– Recently found on my phone. My sister sent me this text a few months ago after I had told her that I performed The Carpenters’ “Superstar” at a karaoke bar. EGO INFLATED.
May 19th
4 notes
1 tag
“If GQ ever prints an article where they talk about a dude’s hot butt, I am going...”
– whatfreshheckisthis I’m on board with this, except I’ll buy a one more to keep under my mattress (just so I can have a secret.) (via alisonagosti) Solid ideas, all of them.
May 19th
15 notes
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"Skills" I Have Been Tempted to List on My Resumé
performs excellent kazoo rendition of Ennio Morricone’s “The Ecstasy of Gold” hair has good natural wave gifted at issuing reminders of the possibility of dying in space great initiative in donut selection gives very specific, personalized movie recommendations based on individual tastes, rather than just insisting that everyone like her favorite movies enthusiastic about...
May 18th
10 notes
1 tag
“When the show went to No. 1 in December 1988, ABC sent a chocolate “1” to...”
– Roseanne Barr Read her essay in NY Mag right now. (via drinkyourjuice) REALLY THOUGH
May 17th
1,442 notes
1 tag
May 17th
9 notes
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May 15th
25 notes
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May 14th
200 notes
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carolinestreet: There Ought to Be a weather report, or weather app, as simple and elegant as Umbrella Today. A straight, yes-or-no affair, with only one of two possible outcomes. This thing should be called “Tights today?” In which Caroline has blown the lid off the only real weather/fashion decision I ever make.
May 13th
3 notes
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The Date (short story)*
It’s a very nice restaurant. That is why they are dressed so nice, she in a ballgown with missing sequins, he in a vest and boardshorts. “Are you enjoying your salad, Barbara?” he asks. She glances down at the flowers on her plate. “It’s wonderful, Kenneth, I’ve never had anything like it,” Barbara says between bites. Kenneth lustfully admires the gleam of her bare shoulder under the sequined ...
May 12th
5 notes
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May 11th
60 notes
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May 10th
32 notes
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Games for late at night
Playlist: Start making a themed playlist on iTunes. Go all the way through your iTunes library to make sure you didn’t miss any songs. Realize that the playlist you made is now too bloated and convoluted to even be edited into something coherent. Delete all songs from the playlist and begin again. Repeat as necessary. Regrets!: Think of as many personal regrets you have as you possibly...
May 10th
71 notes
1 tag
“If anyone ever tells you that writing is easy for them or writing is fun or...”
– Writer and comedian Julie Klausner on the most recent episode of her podcast (which I have been enjoying a lot), How Was Your Week?
May 10th
11 notes
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May 8th
1,601 notes
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“There is nothing more honorable than submitting to the mind-boggling absurdity...”
– Wipe Your Feet  Pertinent quotation, but the whole post is absolutely wonderful.
May 6th
192 notes
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May 6th
4 notes
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May 4th
312 notes
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May 4th
6 notes
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May 4th
12 notes
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Fun alternatives to the Humblebrag
(for reference) Grumblebrag: “I have such a massive hoard of stupid, awful fans.” Fumblebrag: “I am so fucking good at dropping footballs.” Rumblebrag: “Oh, these? They’re just my souvenirs from all the fights under the freeway overpass that I’ve won this week.” Jumblebrag: “I really went to town on that Boggle game.” Crumblebrag:...
May 4th
47 notes
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“Just pick the hotter one; I swear it will turn out fine.”
– The Bennett Madison Extravaganza: One Man’s Opinion: The Hunger Games edition This theorem is to love triangles what the Pythagorean theorem is to actual triangles.
May 3rd
16 notes
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“I can no longer tell if movies are being serious. I used to be able to watch...”
–  I Can’t Tell If Movies Are Being Serious Anymore. This man knows my soul (and this article couldn’t BE more dead on) (via starsgowaltzing) I’ll be blunt here: I hear this same thing a lot, and I kind of think it’s a bogus frustration. To begin from a strict logical standpoint, it...
May 2nd
40 notes
4 tags
May 1st