See 2012 here.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
An important month for matters of the heart—the still-beating, noisily throbbing heart of the man you buried alive in your walls. Avoid contact with authority figures, and don’t forget to treat yourself! This is a great time to invest in a larger purchase, such as a new sound system for your home. Or legal counsel.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Take some time to reconnect with an old friend. Hell, reconnect with a few of them! You’ve got a sewing kit handy, right?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve been in a holding pattern for most of the year, Gemini, but you will finally have the opportunity and the energy to focus on your apparitions. Aspirations! Ha ha! Aspirations. Whoops. What an embarrassing typo.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Enjoy the fall by logging some time outdoors, feeling the crunch of leaves and bone fragments under your feet. Yes, the crunch of leaves. Just leaves. Only regular autumn leaves.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Enjoy the nightlife this month, Leo! Opportunities to meet new and exciting people lurk behind every dark corner and broken window and ajar door and creaking basement staircase…
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’ve been busy in both your personal and professional lives, Virgo, and it’s time to take a step back and devote some attention to your family, somewhere cavernous and secluded, where no one can impinge on your your quality time or hear their screams.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Expect this month’s difficult beginnings to resolve by the 11th, a red-letter day, soaked with blood.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Destiny is calling your name this month, Scorpio! Over and over, at all hours of the day and night. It has to be destiny, right? After all, it’s not like there’s anyone else in this house!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
October will be the perfect time for you to try new things and embrace the unfamiliar. Your significant other’s eyes definitely always looked like that! And so what if they can’t remember the nickname they’ve called you for years!
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Take the time to sort through your attic and closets and donate some of the things you aren’t using. Somewhere out there is a little girl who will love that beautiful, antique porcelain doll with the cracked face, who never seems to be where you last left her.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
If you’ve been thinking about finding a new place to live, you’re too late. The house has you now.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
The year may be winding down, but don’t worry, Pisces! These last few months will give you a head start on pursuing your dreams…
…lest they start pursuing you first.